The Man behind the Sword
by Uchiha Nara
Summary: Ever wonder what the Bleach characters think? Sure, they may be happy and all that good stuff, but what do they REALLY think about each other? Now you can know! Will try and do all the characters and will take requests. R&R.
1. Kurosaki Ichigo

**Ok, for some bizarre reason, I want to do this Bleach fic. A few things I want to say… (1)This is my FIRST (shocking, perhaps. I don't really think so) Bleach fic. (2)For those of you who happen to be taking a detour through Bleach fanfiction trying to take a break from Naruto fanfiction that notice my name and think, 'she writes 'He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not'', and start reviewing saying, 'Why the fuck haven't you updated?! I want SasoDei action, NOW!', bear with me. I've gotten bored with the story before it's even started. Sad, I know…but inspiration helps, so if you have any ideas, I'm all ears. And lastly (3) (Yeah, I hear the cheering in your heads), Just because I haven't written a Bleach fanfiction and it MIGHT resemble that of another fanfiction (honestly, I'm still fairly new to Bleach fics and only read yaoi, so I honestly don't know if there are any fics like this) doesn't mean you can flame me! Please, try and be mature and take it elsewhere. On that note, I'll probably get a bunch of flames lol. So, if you do, whatever, but be sure to be dumb enough to leave your username and the link taking me to you page ;-). Just kidding (or am I?) Anyway, I don't own Bleach and never will. We'll start with Ichigo.**

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Tch, being a shinigami is a real pain if you ask me. For those of you fans out there thinking, 'It would be so kick ass if I could chop up some hollows and wave around a big sword,' you have no idea how wrong you are. For one thing, that sword is much heavier than you think. I mean, it's nothing after a while, but come on! What zanpakuto is that fucking big?! I know it had to do with my reiatsu and shit like that…bunch of bull if you ask me. Also, I didn't want to be a shinigami in the first place! This leads to Rukia…

Some girl out of nowhere is injured and says, 'Pierce your body with this sword and fight in my place as a shinigami.' I thought, 'When pigs fly! Like that will happen!' But then, I'm in a black kimono carrying a big ass sword stabbing an ugly creature. Wouldn't you know it; pigs flew and made me look like an ass. But becoming a shinigami isn't the end of it. Rukia ends up sticking to me like glue, going to my school…LIVING IN MY CLOSET!! She's even fixed up my closet to her liking. Honestly, it's not my closet anymore 'cuz my clothes are in a pile on my floor. And these are the clean ones, mind you. It's like a never-ending nightmare.

Plus, don't get me started on her artwork and means of getting the message across. Actually, let me do that. I mention her artwork all the time, saying it sucks. To be frank…it's not that bad. I know die-hard fans, shoot me now! But, hear me out and I'm sure you'll agree. Whose artwork would you prefer: Rukia's poor Chappy work or Byakuya's…I don't even know what you would call it. Frog thing, for lack of better words? Exactly.

Now onto her candid messages. That message where she ran away and told me not to find her…weirdest thing ever and trust me, I know weird. She could have just wrote, 'I'm leaving. Don't look for me!' on my wall in red paint instead of that riddle. Could have saved me and Kon, even though he did very little, a lot of time.

Despite all her…odd ways, Rukia is a close friend and I don't know what I'd do without her. Probably be a little bit saner, but I enjoy the craziness. Without her or any of the others, life would be very boring.

Hmm, now what? Oh, Uryuu! Or as I call him: The Quincy Nerd! Seriously, dude is that nerdy, sewing smart ass you want to beat up. I almost did once, but remembered my karma. But karma has kicked my ass so much that I can't take a piss without having to take some punishment for it! It's like Byakuya is just waiting for me to slip up so he can torture me and say 'it was Kami-sama's doing, not mine.' Kami-sama, my foot…sumi-masen, Kami-sama.

Anyway, about the Super Nerd. Uryuu always feels like he needs to have the last word in everything. He also feels that since he has the highest grades in the tri-state area, he automatically knows everything. That's why he gets his ass kicked as much as he does. He gets to be very annoying. Not to mention he sews! Now, that probably isn't a big deal because a lot of men sew. It is a big deal, though, when you sew better than Martha Stewart. And being a know-it-all nerd doesn't make it any better on his part.

…Now I would say something about not needing him…but I do. He's, believe it or not, a friend and someone who I can count on. And his intelligence it often times much appreciated.

Chad…I honestly have nothing to say about him. He's never been seriously troublesome like Rukia and Uryuu. Congrats Chad, you're probably one of few in this that won't be bad-mouthed!

Should I even talk about Orihime? Yeah, maybe I should but keep it clean. Yes, Orihime can be a handful and she does often times get caught in some serious situations, but she doesn't do it on purpose. Orihime tries to help…it just doesn't go as planned. Anyway, everyone takes advantage of her because she doesn't stand up for herself. It's not that she's as weak as everyone thinks; she just doesn't know what she's fully capable of yet. And now a lot of you IchiHime fans must be having a field day with this…annoying fan people. Just because I'm sticking up for my friend, doesn't mean I'm in love with her! I'm just a devoted friend, honest! Ah, screw it. You're all off on your laptops writing M-rated fics about us now. Don't try to lie, I hear those key taps.

Ok, family I don't have much to say on. As far as family goes, nothing really weird other than a father that is an ex-taichou that insists on ambushing his son every chance he gets. Yeah, didn't think I knew, did you old man! I'm on to you and you weak-ass attacks!

The bounts were pretty fierce, I guess. To be honest, I don't remember any of them in great detail other than Kariya. Wait a minute…that doll, Dalk I think, was just wrong. Constantly saying I'm 'less of a man'. Please, it claimed it was a woman, but I doubt it (whole use of 'it,' people).

The vizards are just…I don't even know how to describe it. It's hard to believe they were once captain and vice-captains! Especially Hiyori, who used to be a vice-captain! She has the temper of a…a…well, Ikkaku. Plus, she has this odd thing with beating you with her flip-flop. Don't be fooled, those things pack a punch!

And Shinji…weird guy with even weirder teeth. Guy can park a Mitsubishi on those things! Yet, he was a captain, so he knows what he's doing. The other vizards…weirdly dressed people and perverts that accuse others of being a pervert (coughcough-Lisa-coughcough).

Soul Society and its crazy as hell residents' time! I mean, being a ryoka is one thing, but demanding for my head on a silver platter is just too much! Already weak as hell compared to the numerous shinigami in the goddamn area, so is it really necessary?! Just seriously injure me and demand for answers. But, they kill first and ask questions later, so nothing much I can do.

Kukaku Shiba was scary enough…girl was fierce. Her brother wasn't that far from her level of crazy either. Riding a pig, for Kami's sake! I can just hear him screaming, 'boar!' as we speak.

Hanataro is certainly just as weird, no doubt about it. But, I'd rather deal with him than some of those crazy captains! Byakuya worshiped the Rules and Regulations of the Soul Society. Yeah, I made up a name for the book they eat, sleep, and breathe; sue me. Plus he's stupid strong with that senbonsakura technique. But it is cool; I'll admit…I hope Byakuya didn't hear that.

Despite how powerful Byakuya is and how nice his handwriting is, he can't draw worth shit. He and Rukia obviously taught each other how to draw.

Abarai Renji, or tattooed loser, thinks he's all that. Between you and me…he sleeps with a blue blanket. You know, the ones you see little kids with? Yup, the very same! The tough redhead that wields Zabimaru, sleeps with a blanket.

Kenpachi's squad, not just one person but the WHOLE team, is just plain nuts. You have a fifth seat shinigami that cares more for his looks than his fighting, a third seat shinigami that just demands for senseless fighting, and a vice-captain that will, and probably has, eaten everything. Oh, and let's not forget the powerful taichou that can kill without batting a single eyelash, while using a dull blade. Crazy group…but I can't get over the fact that Kenpachi, the toughest taichou there is, fighting with only brute force…wears bells in his hair. No matter what he says, that is still very disturbing.

Toshiro-taichou is fun to make fun of. I mean, he's so little! The captain 'claims' he's 'fun-sized'…yeah right. And I'm some poor sap that's actually dumb enough to fall for that. Oi, what do you mean I AM dumb enough to fall for that?!

Mayuri-taichou, I honestly don't know his last name, is just plain weird. He wears make-up and thinks of everyone as a test subject. Your typical psycho, ne? To put it simply, his looks is weird, his bankai is weird (looking, hahaha), his assistant/vice-captain, Nemu, is also weird; his existence in general is just plain weird. I try to ignore him, but he always finds a way to get near me.

Komamura-taichou…uh, I like his half-human, half-canine body. That's something, right?

I despise Aizen, Ichimaru, and Tousen; but mainly Aizen. First, you go against your own, then create arrancars, and then try to recreate some King's Key and start a war that could destroy all of humanity?! That's nothing but bullshit. Yeah, you totally don't scream, 'I'm an evil man who plans on destroying a race.' Not to mention you attempted to use Orihime for your selfish needs. Have you no shame? Wait-no, you don't.

Coming back to your Arrancars, could you make anything stronger? No, how 'bout weaker? Y'know, give us 'weaklings' a chance? 'Cuz, shit, if they weren't the violent ones (Grimmjow and Yammy, just to name a few), they were arrogant as hell (Ulquiorria and Szayel (who I call swizzle-pop), again, just to name a few). And I don't where the hell as these UlquiHime and GrimmIchi fanfiction are coming from, but they are insane! i mean, some UlquiHime are good...but, and I'm only going to say this once, THE GRIMMICHI NEEDS TO STOP! THAT'S JUST WRONG!

Well, now that I wasted pretty much five and a half pages on my pointless rant, I think I'm going to torture Renji. Just remember that I am and always be the coolest character in the series! What? What do you mean I'm not the coolest character in the series? Hold on… (Checks most recent poll)…WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU MEAN I'M IN 3RD PLACE?! HOW COULD TOSHIRO AND RUKIA BE MORE POPULAR THAN ME?!

Well, that's ok 'cuz I know Zangetsu is the coolest zanpakuto! Oh, don't tell me Zangetsu isn't the coolest either? Sigh, whatever, I'll be back on top soon, that's for damn sure!

Now I really will go. Ichigo, (that's 'Ichigo' as in 'One who protects' and not 'Strawberry' like all of you just **love** to pick at) out!

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**Lame I know, but I did this at 3:30 in the morning and I'm tired. I just had to write this! And no, I'm not bashing, like, half of the characters in the series. I really love a lot of those characters, like Hanataro, Rukia, and Byakuya. Just some good-natured fun, ne? Plus, I'm not picking at people who like UlquiHime or GrimmIchi, 'cuz personally I love GrimmIchi. I hope those of you whose actually read past the note at the beginning liked it and review. Remember, no flames please!**


	2. Yamada Hanataro

**Um, chapter two I guess. I got a request for Hanataro. To be honest, I was hoping for more reviews but whatever. At least they weren't flames, right? Anyway, I don't own Bleach.

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Ano…Uchiha Nara-sama said that it was my turn to do this. Actually, she **told** me to do it. She said something like, "You're the meekest man in the series! It's about time you could get a word in inch-wise!" I guess she's right…

"Damn right I'm right!"

…Anyway, I do have a few things I want to say about my comrades. Let's see, Kurosaki-san is an ok guy, I guess. Well, he does have a tendency to take things too far out of proportion. He has made a big deal of…very minor things. Like me staying in the world of the living, for example. Kurosaki-san freaked out and said, "What the heck are you doing here?! I thought you were punished?!" Much more than what was actually needed. A simple, "Yo Hanataro, what's up?" would be better.

Also, Kurosaki-san is very short-tempered. Throughout the whole ordeal trying to get Kuchiki-san back, he constantly yelled. At particularly nothing, might I add. It was almost as if he and Ganju-san were always fighting.

And since we're on the subject of Ganju…there's so much to say about him. For one thing, Ganju's manners leave much left to be desired. Whether they are table manners, manners towards his higher ranked officials, or just how he presents himself. Ganju-san is very improper.

Let's start with his table manners. Simple foods seem to be difficult for him. Can't use a juice box properly, but then again, neither can Kuchiki-san. He tends to get more food on him than in him. Lame, I know, but it's true! Give him a bento and see how much he screws up before he actually finishes it…if he does finish it. Not to mention when he's eating in front of others. Ganju-san slings food around everywhere, it's terrible. He gets it on the walls, table cloth, ME, as well as other guests. What makes it so bad is that he doesn't apologize for it. As Ganju-san puts it, "That's YOUR job, Hanataro!" Not only do I have to apologize for pretty much everything…I have to clean up his mess too! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

…Please excuse me for my outburst…something just came over me, hehe. Now, to officials, Ganju-san is simply awful. You'd think with how his sister treats him for his rude behavior, he would know better. Then again, everything's in one ear and out the other with him. This causes him to not care about what others have to say, making him very stubborn and rude. Those qualities make it very easy for people to assume he has no class.

But! I never did say he has class, did I?

**Somewhere outside of this interrogation room…**

Ganju tensed, chills crawling up his spine. "What's the matter, Ganju?" asked some guy who isn't very important. "I don't know," started Ganju, "But I feel that I and my extreme awesomeness…are being dissed." The group of boar riders gasped in utter shock. "I know right!" whined Ganju, continuing with their journey.

The group stood there. _He's just now getting this feeling…_they thought.

**Back in the interrogation room…**

Who else…Kuchiki-san is pretty nice. She is very kind and considerate…towards me anyway. I can't say the same for Kurosaki-san or Abarai-san. And as far as her drawings go, I like them. No, I am not being nice. I think they are very nice. It's better than what I can do!

Kuchiki-san is kind…her brother I can't say the same for. Kuchiki-sama is…ano, very stern. He's very frightening to be around, that's definite. But with a frightening demeanor comes power, ne? Kuchiki-sama is awfully strong. Despite all that…his art is pretty bad.

Let me quickly say this, I don't mean to offend so please don't hurt me!

Hmm, Abarai-san is so much like Kurosaki-san, it's scary. They yell at each other saying they are nothing alike, but they really are. The fact that they yell a lot already makes them very much alike. Plus, both are very hotheaded and quick to rush into a situation without knowing the full details. And they can often be arrogant in battle, underestimating their opponent. Not to mention that they both care very much for Kuchiki-san. I honestly think they both secretly like Kuchiki-san. As more than a friend, I mean.

Of course, I can't forget about Unohana-taichou. Taichou is very understanding and she takes her job very seriously. One thing that frightens me about her is that she…has her ways of getting people to do what she wants. Like an evil smile or something. I've yet to come across it but I've heard from others that it's very scary.

The one person-ish thing that has caused me the most trouble is definitely Kon. I've been through enough as it is, I don't need Kon taking my gigai and wreaking havoc upon the Soul Society! My gigai was beaten to a pulp by everyone in squad 10, including Zaraki-taichou. Poor thing will never be the same. And that little modsoul in that little lion stuffed animal is to blame!

Again, sorry for my outburst. I really need to get off those energy pills, don't I?

For some reason, everyone says I'm weak and simply around for 'comic relief'. Honestly, I'm much more useful than people think! And I'm not weak! I'm just not as strong as others, that's all…Besides, I don't get as much airtime as before. With that, I say that people have yet to see how far I've come from saving Kuchiki-san. You'd be surprised!

Oh, and I know you all make fun of my zanpakuto! 'Gains energy and then turns into a scalpel…weak, huh?' Well, it's better than what some of you are wielding. If you're wielding anything at all, mind you!

Also, you all say I am very feeble-minded and that people walk all over me, ne? Well, it's not like I **like** it. I do it simply to stay on people's good side. But then again, trying to stay on their good side winds up with me being on their bad side…weird. Kurosaki-san says that I can stand up for myself and not be considered abrasive. I think it's being…assertive? Yeah, maybe I should try it!

Well then, Uchiha Nara really was right. Talking thinks out can take a load off your shoulders. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to give Ganju a piece of my mind. Ja ne!

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**Another chapter…hopefully more reviews? I admit, I like getting reviews but who doesn't? I hope you guys like it and review or favorite or something. I have an idea of who I'll do next, but if you want to see someone, let me know. Sorry this chapter was so short, hopefully it'll be long next time! Bye bye!**


	3. Arruruerie Aaroniero

**Alright, first I want to say thank you to everyone who's read, faved, subscribed, or just reviewed. It means a lot that I'm actually being noticed! Lol anyway, I got a few requests. I got Ulquiorria, Urahara, and Yamamoto so-taichou. After this chapter, it will go in that order, so please be patient people who requested it. I have fallen in love with a certain arrancar and wanted to write a chapter for them. And no, it's not Grimmjow (he's my 2****nd**** favorite arrancar, hahaha). I don't own Bleach…or Aaroniero! The bold will be the deeper voiced head, the regular writing will be the higher pitched head, and bold italicized will be them talking in unison. Confusing, I know. Like writing for Zetsu of Naruto, lol!

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**Pleasure to make your **weak, human acquaintance**, I am **_**Aaroniero Arruruerie. **_We are easily the **most powerful Arrancar there is. **_**No doubt about it, I am very powerful.**_

"Um, that's great guys," started Uchiha Nara, "But you two constantly finishing each other's sentences is very confusing. Not to mention flamers will finally have something to flame me about."

_**We care why?**_

Nara tensed. "Well, you don't want flamers making you seem odd (odder than you already are) and make you look weak just because you two have two separate personalities and should be expressed as such, do you?"

_**Humans are so feeble-minded. They don't matter to us and neither do you.**_

"Then why are you-?! Never mind, just please one of you talk at a time. Don't interrupt each other and please don't talk in unison. Okay?"

**Fine, in that case, I'll begin with-**Wait, why do you feel you should talk first? If you ask me-**No one's asking you. And I'm going first because I matter more. I am the brains after all. **Brain's my non-existent foot!

"See, that's what I'm talking about," complained the authoress. "Deeper voiced Aaroniero, you go first. Higher pitched Aaroniero, you'll get your chance, just stay quiet."

**Ha. Now to begin, the arrancar simply don't understand how powerful I am. Just because I am the only Gillian amongst them, does not count me out just yet. I may not fully have a human body like they do, but I am as powerful as them, who have full human bodies.**

May I speak now?

"Yes, you may."

Thank you. Now I agree with myself on that. They are all just very arrogant and think less of their equals, enemies, or comrades. Not like us, who are open-minded to our enemies' weaknesses.

"But then, since you're saying you're open to your opponent's weaknesses…doesn't that make you arrogant to some extent?" asked Uchiha Nara.

_**How does a stupid weakling like you, figure? **_

"I'll have you know, I am now technically academically gifted! Dumb officials are just now realizing it…damn shame. Letting people dumber than me in before me! Great, now I wanna pop a cap up someone's ass…what were we talking about?"

**Human's let unfair circumstances get the better of them, don't they? **I believe so.

"Just explain yourselves, are you as arrogant as the other Espada, or no?"

_**No. We simply believe that thinking highly of yourself helps intimidate your enemy. However, the other Espada think too highly of their abilities and that leads to their failure. Come now, look at Yammy and Grimmjow.**_

"Grimmjow is a good example. However, Yammy is still alive, much to my dismay."

**Well, Yammy is weak. He is Espada number 10, right?**

"You weren't that much stronger…ESPADA NUMBER 9!!"

That is beside the point. Moving on…that female shinigami we fought. She was quite the adversary. **Once she got over her weak emotions. **The human said don't interrupt, so don't. **Tch, whatever. I am taking over, now. That bitch should have fallen to my shape-shifting form. She should have easily done as I said because I was her former vice-captain. Shinigamis are supposed to be loyal to their commanding officers.**

"Considering the fact that Aizen, Ichimaru, and Tousen betrayed the Seiretei…"

_**Don't speak like that of Aizen-sama! Your impudence will not go unpunished!**_

"Haha, you sound like Tousen-kun."

Stupid human. Anyway, that female shinigami's abilities were something to behold once she fought with them responsibly. One shouldn't let their emotions get the better of them in battle. Grimmjow could learn something from that insightful piece of advice we just gave him. In fact, anyone as stupid as him…and you, human interviewer, can learn from everything we have to say.

"Yeah, we could benefit greatly from things like: How to properly clean you glass casing."

**You humans just might, since you all go rampaging for the newest…what are those things called? Um, Wiiphones?**

Iphone, you simpleton. But, humans, Quincy, and shinigami alike are nothing against us arrancar. Especially us, _**Aaroniero Arruruerie! **_

"You both do recall that you died to the hands of a shinigami, correct?"

_**We are fully aware and it is simply because we were stunned. **_**The shinigami wasn't expected to live, much less have energy to keep going and actually KILL us. **Merely luck on the shinigami's part. If we had lived, we would have killed her and her comrades many times over.

"Uh-huh. And when you died, you cursed Rukia and screamed for help from Aizen. Explain that, if you will?" asked Nara.

**What? You can't read subtitles? It's very cut and dry. I wasn't ready to die at the hands of such a weak foe. It was unacceptable. Even you should be able to comprehend that. **As you should human. Like I said, Aizen-sama promised to protect us. However, he allowed us to die and didn't do a thing about it. I had put my trust in him and he betrayed it.

"Very good…I think. Now, one more thing…"

_**What?**_

"Which one's Aaro and which one's Niero?"

**Ore wa Aaro…**Boku wa Niero…_**oh no, we're not falling for this again! Ichimaru tried that too, don't think we're dumb enough to fall for that! **_

"Hahaha, thanks for the interview, Aaro and Niero!"

_**It's just Aaroniero! Aaroniero!

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**Ok, sorry it had a lot of me in it. I didn't want that much of me in it since it is their thoughts. But you know going bold print, then regular print, and then back to bold can get very confusing. Especially if it happens often since they finish each other's sentences. Hope you enjoyed 'cuz I know I did. I really love Aaroniero and wanted to write it. Please review! Ulquiorria is next, then Urahara and then Yamamoto sou-taichou. Oh, and 'Ore wa Aaro...Boku wa Niero', if any of you recall from the Arrancar Encylopedia, translates out to, 'I am Aaro and I am Niero." Just thought I'd let you know in case you haven't seen that clip.  
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	4. Cifer Ulquiorria

**As promised, here's Ulquiorria. I don't own Bleach in any way.

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I really shouldn't be here. There's nothing really for me to say about how I feel about others…simply because I barely like anyone or anything. The only person I respect is Aizen-sama. He's the only one I have to respect. Everyone else is an idiot, especially Grimmjow.

First off, that woman that the shinigamis and humans tried to save was nothing but a waste of time. If she was of actual use during battle, it was to only heal ones wounds. I wouldn't even call it healing. You're just reversing time…wooot. The human can't follow simple directions, which I learned first-hand. Honestly, she lets her emotions get the better of her. Those emotions caused her to do thoughtless things, like, like…_**slapping me.**_ If she was of no use to Aizen-sama, I would have killed her. _**Immediately. **_But apparently, she was needed for something that is until that shinigami retrieved her. I actually thank the shinigami for saving her. That woman was so annoying to watch over, constantly having to feed it and check up on it, making sure it didn't commit suicide. Actually, she reminds me of a pet and I did like to abuse my pets…Great, now I miss that human.

The orange-haired shinigami had quite the reiatsu. If he only knew how to control it properly. One thing would throw his reiatsu off balance, which I expected. Humans are so feeble minded and let their emotions get the better of them. His attacks were from brute force, risky, and uncontrollable. To put it simply for those of you who are just bordering 'smart', it means he jumps into battle without knowing the full consequences. Again, typical of a human. But he was able to kill Grimmjow, which we are all grateful for. Honestly, I don't think anyone liked Grimmjow. However, it took the human, what, eighty tries to finally kill that blue haired moron?

I guess you can already guess that I don't like Grimmjow. By don't like, I mean I REALLY don't like Grimmjow. He's constantly bragging, "I am the greatest Espada…nothing and no one competes with me…blah, blah, blah." I forget, who's the fourth Espada or higher? Exactly, not Grimmjow. Not to mention he got killed by a human. But…no, I don't want to ruin it for any of you who have yet to make it there in the series. The point that I'm trying to make is that Grimmjow should be careful of you he talks to or about. His manners are simply awful and despicable. He also complains that I always interfere with his plans. I…interfere? His timing is just off, is all. Let me say this now, I. interfere. with. **Nothing.**

Yammy, as most of you know, is an even bigger idiot than Grimmjow, if that's possible. That giant buffoon constantly got in my way and let his anger get the better of him. He was just quick to start a fight and was bloodthirsty. Idiot…Surprisingly enough, he's still; should I even tell you this? Oh, whatever, he's one of the few Espada that is still alive. The weakest and yet he's still around. That's disgraceful.

I should respect Ichimaru and Tousen, correct? Well, I SHOULD, but I don't. They honestly aren't worth my time. One constantly exclaims, "Justice must be served", then severs your arm or who knows what else. Great way to 'serve justice'. But I have to admit, watching Grimmjow scream profanities while looking at his arm, expecting it to just reappear, was funny. Yes, I do have a sense of humor…it's just so crude that some don't consider it an actual sense of humor at all.

Anyway, it was fun to see Grimmjow just glare at the wall in his quarters. But all the joy disappeared when that woman reversed time and Grimmjow got his arm back. Oh, I'm sorry; did I spoil it for you? Too bad, you should have read it or watched it before reading this.

That authoress just glared at me. I guess to just stop spoiling it and to keep going. Pfft, stupid human. Now she looks like she is going to kill me. As if she could.

As far as Ichimaru goes…you know those eerie rapists that smile all big and things of the sort? That's what he reminds me of. He's constantly smiling that fox grin of his. Heh, and he wonders why none of the other Espada like him. No, seriously, he's always bothering us to…_communicate_ with him. That in itself is frightening. I mean, Luppi only talked to him. After Luppi died, Ichimaru tried to get _me_ to talk to him._ Me._ Do I look that desperate? Don't give me that look. Ichimaru really does consider everything a game and as everyone as a game piece. Every part of the game should be fun and if it isn't, he'll see to it that it _something_ interesting will happen. A hard man to please, ne?

Aizen-sama is a very calm person. Between Yammy, Grimmjow, and some of the other annoying Espada like Nnorita, I expected Aizen-sama to have lost his mind by now. And not to sound disobedient, but Aizen-sama is constantly smiling like Ichimaru. They both have those rapists' smiles. Also, I think he believes everything can be solved...with tea. Not that I have a problem with tea. It's just that before anything else, "Let's have some tea." I wonder if he has tea right before a battle...I should get some unsuspecting soul to look into it. Perhaps Yammy...

This is all I have to say about the other Espada or those in Hueco Mundo. Or anyone for that matter. The humans are constantly boring me. I thought something interesting would come from them. The only thing I've learned from humans is what a heart is. If only I had one…god, that sounded so much like what a human would say.

Now that I have confided in you what I truly think; I'm going to have to kill you. Oh, and those of you who like my look, thank you. I do too. But I'm considered the 'emo character' in the series. Do I really look emo? And don't criticize my released look. I pwn that look. You wish you could look as amazing as I do. It's like a demon from Hell, or something like that. Either way, I pwn it.  


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**That was really short. The shortest chapter so far. I really wanted to extend it, but I don't know how far some of you are. I really didn't want to spoil it for you if you weren't as far as I was. If you want, I might rewrite it with more in it. Just let me know. Anyway, please review and Urahara is next.**


	5. Urahara Kisuke

**Thanks for your reviews…I think? Lol, no I'm kidding. Urahara's turn and then Yamamoto…and then Byakuya, Uryuu, Gin, and Aizen. Yeah…just give me time to write them all. I don't own Bleach.

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Hmmm, I don't think I should give you my two cents. I might though, if you buy some candy! I wonder if me trying to sell candy to young children is **really that** weird like Ichigo says…I don't think it is.

Ichigo really has a lot of nerve disrespecting me like the way he does. After all, I wasted precious time training him, healing his wounds; feeding him after nearly killing him…you didn't hear that last part. But, I really do feel that I am unappreciated by young Kurosaki. I didn't have to train him to become a better shinigami or teach him bankai…Yoruichi helped him more so with that than I did to be honest. I did have some part in it, so you can't say I didn't. Also, I didn't have to save Ichigo when he first fought Renji and Byakuya. I could have left him to die. However, seeing as how I'm such an angel (angel of death, get it? Haha), I couldn't just leave him. My conscious would have eaten away at me, like ones life chain does! Hehe, I'm so funny you can't stand it.

Okay, enough with the jokes, right? Well, too bad because throughout the rest of this, I'm going to crack lame jokes. Just like you all say I do in the series. I think they're perfectly fine, thank you. But it is hard for people to realize that their own jokes aren't very funny. I am funny…and no, I'm not in denial.

Now someone that is in denial is Renji. He claims he isn't a free loader, when he knows he is. Everyone tells him he is. Tessai, Ururu, Jinta (especially Jinta), along with Ririn, Kurodo, and Noba, constantly tells Renji he's a free loader. He still doesn't believe he is since he does chores. What he still doesn't realize is that he only stays by doing chores and is still a free loader 'cuz the chores aren't much. Hehe, I'm not only funny, but I'm evil too.

Renji is a great fighter and is a great person for some of them to train with. His constant bullying greatly motivates Chad and Ichigo. Although with Ichigo, the taunting tends to go **too** far. It does make them determined to work harder, which is what I was aiming for. A great result for the ones being trained and the one training them doesn't have to do a thing. But then again, I wouldn't be technically training them if I'm not doing anything, would I?

It's not like I don't want to train them. Watching them squirm in fear and pain is always fun. But strength training and endurance should be taught with a bankai and I simply can't use mine. Too destructive.

Chad is very promising and probably the easiest to train. I mean, he doesn't complain like Ichigo or Renji. He was already better than both when he didn't argue. But he does train himself too hard sometimes. Chad, if anything, needs to learn his limits.

Uryuu…well, uh…yeah. I never trained Uryuu, not like I could anyway. But Ichigo is right about one thing about Uryuu; Uryuu really is a know it all. Had tea with him once, actually. To be honest, he doesn't know when to shut-close his mouth.

I know all of you know what I said to Orihime was cruel. Trust me; it wasn't as easy to say as it sounded. The arrancar really are fierce and without her only offense, there wasn't a whole lot she could do. Healing is one thing, but if she's healing at the wrong time or right in battle, who knows what could happen to her. But…she really is weak. Don't go screaming at me or the authoress…actually; do scream at the authoress, but not at me. Orihime simply needed to know that.

The arrancar are much stronger than I expected. That pale skinned one, Ulquiorria, I believe, deflected my attack with a simple flick of the wrist. That was somewhat sad. I at least wanted to burn him or something. But seriously, if Yoruichi and I didn't get there when we did, either times, who knows what could have happened to them.

Now the part you all must have waited for…yeah, I was a taichou for one of the divisions in the Seiretei. What? You already knew that from the Turn Back the Pendulum series? Well, you just wasted some thirty seconds of pointless explaining. But, yeah, I didn't get banned from the Seiretei because of illegal experimentation like they say. I mean, there's a reason why I was the captain of the Experimentation Unit, right? No, I didn't get banned…I quit. You know how many of the captains and vice-captains complain about paperwork…they're not kidding. That really is a lot of paperwork. So much that I got tired of and just decided to quit. Yup, and I took Tessai with me! Mwahahaha, I'm so evil (evil smirk).

Now to answer some quick questions…no, I and Tessai have nothing going on. No, Ichigo and I have nothing going on. Nor do I have anything going on with Renji, Jinta or Ururu (they're children, seriously!), or any of the modsouls. And, I don't have anything going on with Ichigo's friends…Yoruichi may be another story though. Haha, seriously, no. Nothing with her, either. I know none of you believe me, so go on thinking what you want. Anyway, some mistake me for selling candy because I'm a pedophile. Not true at all. Do I look like the type of person to do that? Now…don't let the hat, fan, or sandals fool you. The shop is simply a cover-up so that I can sell things for other shinigami. Is it so wrong to have a sweet tooth?

Now that that's taken care of…I'm going to pull at Yoruichi's tail while she's a cat. You don't know how fun it is to do that. I don't suggest trying it though. On her or a real cat…Ja!

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**Hope you enjoyed and review! Yamamoto so-taichou is next! **


	6. Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto

**Sorry for not updating for like a day or two. I was just really tired lol. Anyway, here's Yamamoto soutaichou. I don't own Bleach in any way. Also, may Michael Jackson rest in peace. I loved a lot of his songs, especially 'Thriller'. I was shocked when I found out he died. But, onto the story…

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You want me to give my thoughts on my subordinates, ne?

*short nod*

Sou ka…so that's what some of the others have been talking about lately. This sounds quite interesting. After all, I have quite a bit to say.

First off, I'm not as old as some of you think. Sure, I may look and sound old, but a lot of people sound and act older than they really are. And yeah, my bones do pop, but whose bones don't? I'd **love **to see some of you try and be as powerful as I am; what with how young some of you readers are. With age comes skill and ongoing intelligence, which some of my younger captains (coughHitsugayacough), don't understand. I could go on and on, but then my readers would fall asleep much like my captains did at our most recent meeting. Ukitake was honestly the last person I expected to ever be so rude as to fall asleep on me. As was Kuchiki. Also! Some of their snoring and drooling on the desk was truly unnecessary.

Now, I'm sure a lot of you think since I'm old, I tend to forget my fukutaichou's name. Not true. Well, it is true that I forgot his name. But it's not because I'm old…it's because he doesn't have any airtime. Not age, lack of airtime. I hope we cleared that up. Seriously, I really don't remember my fukutaichou's name so if any of you do, please tell me. I'm really getting tired of calling him 'you'. He's a human, soul-thing and should be treated as such. I mean, he does have a name after all…just one I don't know. That's really sad since he's been my fukutaichou for what seems like forever. Oh well.

Some of my captains I can summarize fairly easily. Such as Soi Fon. She is a somewhat short-tempered girl who, sadly, takes her anger out on her poor fukutaichou. Also, she has this odd fascination with cats; though I do think Yoruichi has something to do with this.

Gin was extremely suspicious to me. More so weird than suspicious at times, though. That smile of his is just disturbing. Not to mention he and Aizen are awfully close. No, I'm not referring to when Aizen, Gin, and Tousen betrayed the Seiretei. Before any of that happen, like when Gin was a child. Those two were too close for comfort. I sure hope Gin never did anything with Aizen that he'd regret. Again, not talking about the betrayal. I think the new captain for Division 3 is fairly promising. Other than the fact that he can't handle his sake…

Unohana is probably the most calm minded of the captains. Also, I don't know where the Seiretei would be without her. We'd have dead shinigami everywhere. And gods forbid if we let Mayuri heal them. Some might come out with an extra limb or two.

Aizen I can't even begin to say how disappointed I am in him. One of my most promising and successful captains. Such a kind man…I guess it goes to show that even the most innocent of souls have a dark side.

Kuchiki is a graceful fighter, with wonderful handwriting. But, even the most seemingly perfect man has his flaws. So, where to begin? Oh, chotto mate, let me get my notepad. I actually wrote down all the flaws I have found in the young Kuchiki. Ok, first Kuchiki has a superiority complex. He thinks a little **too** highly of himself. But then again, Kuchiki's always think highly of themselves; being the second wealthiest family in the Seiretei, after all. I remember when he was younger where he could care less about where he came from. Another thing is that Kuchiki cares too much for the rules. I mean, as a role model for so many people, you should always enforce enforcing the rules. But what he did to his younger sister was just a bit too much, even by my standards. The list does drag on but the only other thing that's worth mentioning is his drawing skills. This is cruel to say but the boy can't draw to save his already dead life! I'm sorry, but it's true.

Komamura is a firm believer of justice and truth. I am as well but…sometimes he just takes it too far. He bores me to sleep with his rants. That's pretty bad when the King of Rants is able to be bored to death by a rant other than his own. Despite that, he is a remarkable man and I'm glad he's finally gained the courage to remove that god awful mask.

Now, where Komamura thinks highly of justice, Kyouraku could care less. Kyouraku honestly is very carefree, which has always irked me. He always says, "You shouldn't be so uptight, Yama-jii sama." Well, someone needs to be when he isn't. But, when Kyouraku is serious, he takes whatever he's doing seriously. If only he did that more often.

Tousen was a lot like Komamura. Both believed in justice and could easily bore you to death with it. Tousen was much more demanding about punishment, which I never fully understood. I guess he believes in adding insult to injury…wait. Now I'm starting to become senile. Anyway, Tousen, like Aizen, was the last person I expected to betray us.

Hitsugaya is very cold and blunt. To everyone except me…only because I'm his commanding officer. But despite that he's rude to me. But he is very powerful and has a large amount of potential. He could surpass me if he tried hard enough. Nothing much else to say…

Kenpachi uses brute force all. the. time. Force isn't always necessary. But that's the bloodthirsty captain I assigned. Ha…hahaha. No seriously, his whole division is crazy. Not just him, his WHOLE division.

Remember when I said Gin was odd? Yeah, Mayuri easily beat him when it comes to oddness. In fact, Gin is nothing compared to Mayuri. I don't know if I did the right thing by letting Mayuri take over the Research and Development Institute. Some odd things occur in there…very odd things. Not to mention his looks are very odd. Black and white paint…that long black fingernail? Come on, that is just weird.

Last but not least when it comes to the taichou: Ukitake. He was my favorite student. He never talked back to me (like Kyouraku), he did everything I said (UNlike Kyouraku), and he took things seriously (definitely UNlike Kyouraku). He's the student that every teacher PRAYS for. But, like every good student, he got caught up with the wrong people. That's right; Kyouraku. I thought it was over after they became friends. Luckily, I was wrong since his ways didn't change. For once, I was so glad I was wrong.

The fukutaichou…just as odd as their taichou.

Omaeda is a slob. Every time I see him, he's eating. He will wipe his hands on anything and is very rude. He's just repulsive. Also, Soi Fon is right about him often times being useless. He really can be of no help.

Kira is a strong shinigami, really he is. However, his lack of confidence gets the better of him. Not to mention him and Gin were just as close as Gin was with Aizen. Kira is such a pure soul; I hope Gin didn't corrupt him.

Kotetsu is in a way like Kira. She is very shy and withdrawn. Probably because I've heard that Unohana can be quite frightening. Really, both Kira and Kotetsu could make a cute couple. But, they both need to grow a backbone.

Hinamori I think had it the hardest. She was very close to Aizen and pretty much worshipped him. I mean, when he supposedly 'died', the poor girl's train of thought just lost control. Hinamori is a very kind girl who has had her heart broken by one of the few people she truly trusted. And believe it or not, she thinks Aizen is still loyal. I don't think Hitsugaya will ever forgive Aizen for what he's done to Hinamori.

Goodness…Abarai. All those tattoos…I don't think I need to explain myself when I say he and Kuchiki must never see eye-to-eye.

Iba…who's Iba again? Oh, the president of the Shinigami's Men Association. Other than that, I don't hear much about him. I guess I now know why.

Hisagi was either very loyal to Tousen or loyal to the point that he didn't tell Tousen that said captain bored the hell out of him.

Matsumoto…a much endowed woman, I'll admit. She loves to annoy her taichou, which comes easy. She is such an innocent soul despite her looks. I think Matsumoto suffered with Gin betraying the Seiretei like Hinamori did with Aizen. She and Gin were very close. Almost like brother and sister, if you ask me.

Yachiru seems to enjoy candy. I've even given her some…terrible mistake. Also, she seems to annoy everyone BUT Kenpachi. Seeing as how short-tempered he is, I find this very surprising. But, they have known each other for a long time and seem to have quite a few things in common, so I guess he doesn't really notice. THAT or he does and thinks nothing of it. OR he does notice and just keeps himself from hurting the little girl. Whichever it is, I don't care as long as he doesn't take it out on the others.

Nemu is abused and takes it. What? You thought I was oblivious to it? Everyone knows it and does nothing about. Simply because they don't want to become Mayuri's next test subject. I want to help, but it's none of my business. Nemu has told others, who have told me, might I add, that she can't say anything about it. She says she 'owes' him. No one deserves to be abused, no matter who you are.

Thank goodness I'm almost done. Kotsubaki and Kotetsu (the blonde one) argue waaaaay too much. They need to grow up and realize that they are lucky that they were even considered for the job of replacement fukutaichou. Kaien was such a great fukutaichou and everything was so peaceful when he was around…sigh, I miss when things were so quiet amongst that division. Now, you can tell Kotetsu and Kotsubaki were coming from a mile away.

To put it simply, my taichou and fukutaichou are crazy idiots. But, they are my idiots and I expect nothing less from them. Oh god, I really am senile. It's all thanks to them, I swear!

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**Easily my longest chapter yet. There was so much for Yamamoto soutaichou to say. After all, he was thirteen taichou to talk about. Not to mention their fukutaichou. I could have mentioned others but I have to get off now…so, ja ne! **


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